Not The Match Report

So much about the Suffolk Tour is the same from year-to-year: the fixtures, the timing, the curry, the bad cards, no balls in the bag, etc. etc. Even before it starts, the news headlines are the same: 'A' level results better even than the year before, with the usual cries of devaluation. I did learn this year, however, that results have now been "improving" for 26 years straight, meaning that 1982 - my year - is the dullest cohort for a generation. Just thought I'd share that.

One thing that is different this year is the Tour Report. Firstly, the Match Reports - the hard core cricket reporting - will be in the usual place on mandarins.org.uk. Essex will be drawn up by Ollie, and Fram by Liam. Reports on the other two matches are included later in this blog.

The pictures - Explicit Imagery of People Playing Cricket - are here. Please add your own witticisms, both to those images and to this commentary.

To summarise the cricket:

• We lost Essex hopelessly (one blink, and you've missed 3 wickets: 2 for 3 we were).

• Batsman's paradise at Framlingham: even we couldn't get ourselves out. And we almost made the runs, with Marc Thomas cuffing boundaries all over the shop. Damian then took us to the brink, but at the end we fell two short (result: draw).
  
  
• Lost at Worlingworth.
  
  
• Losing draw (very) at Nazeing.

Other stories? Well, this was the year I locked myself out of my room and ended up sleeping on the floor. But it could have been worse: had everyone else not already taken their keys, we would all have been sleeping a night on the tiles. It's the sort of thing that would be soooo funny if you weren't there, and maybe even a few years later for those who were. But at the time, well...

What else? Oh, Jonathan Wilmot was very late (even by his high standards), and Chris - "it's not Tour without Touchy" - Healey was only around for one game of cricket (but two nights of poker). Yes, we did play cards, and Nick Davidson was particularly successful I seem to recall, especially for one who didn't realise that QKA12 is not straight (we had to literally prise his hands from the pot).

The curry was not as good as it has been (waiters poking the meat around the plate at they leave the kitchen, to try and work out what it is), but the Station food was excellent; so much so that we went back on Saturday night too. No action at the Railway, I'm afraid, and it looked pretty quiet too. Liam and Damian were visitors at The White Horse; but you'll need to ask them about that.

There were some great new ideas floating around:

• like a new type of sight screen, that doubles for a wicket cover (Patent applied for, Chris Hoban?) .
  
  
• Advanced batting helmet that contains a visor with magnifying glass, to help you pick the googlies. Not so crazy?
  

No one was giving LBW - except us of course. We are always incredibly fair on this point, although our appealing is coming on. However, Liam - "that is so out" - Colley probably shouldn't appeal quote so often from Point, no matter how plumb it seems from there.

Thank you to everyone who came, and told me over-and-over who much they enjoyed it and how efficient everything seems to be. At least part of the glory for organisation goes to Tony Hawkhead, who brought all the beer and wine once again.

Basically, another good tour. Plenty of tourists available, everyone seemed to enjoy it, and our opposition were most gracious in victory. We were all pleased to see Rod (ex Pimpernels) and Mike and Wendy Foot (thanks for umpiring at Framlingham, Mike). And despite the rubbish weather in general this year ("wettest year since Noah was a lad", etc.), we got all four games in without a problem. I'm sure we'll be back again for another drubbing next year.

Nazeing Common, 17th August 2008

Jeremy Crump originally suggested that the byeline for this report should be: “Crump Returns from Injury with Five-fer”. Yes, it was an excellent performance, and I can't even remember who was the last Mandarins bowler to buy a jug. Well, Jeremy hasn't been playing so much for us recently.

It was another funny old weather-day, with a very stiff breeze blowing in from the west. I was delighted to be bowling with that wind (thanks, Rob!), adding maybe 10mph to the delivery and inducing a pleasant feeling of power and strength. Rather like being 24 again. Rob Eastaway was my opening partner, bowling his usual metronomic medium pace.

It wasn't a fast pitch, but there was bounce, which has been a rare thing this year. Liam Colley, Damian Paterson, Jamie Brockbank, Charlie “full-toss” Bardswell and Mark (our 13-year old guest) also had a go, with varying success. I don't think any of these had a chance to get properly into their rhythm, especially those coming into the wind.

Our catching was as selective as ever, but Stephen Dunmore did a great job behind the stumps, with very little getting past him, even the leg-side rubbish.

Anyway, the score was was looking quite good for us at 38-2. Less so at 112-3 and 151-4; but by 200 from 37 overs, Nazeing were happy to declare.

Going out to bat were Stephen and Clive Attenborough. Neither messed around, with Clive in particular driving time-after-time into the covers and long-off boundary. No feet movement, just biff (think Marcus Trescothick, if you wish) to the boundary; one of the few Mandarins with the power to get the ball to the rope over the slow outfield. His innings didn't last as long as we needed, but with 200 to chase I don't blame any of the batsmen.
Damian, Jamie and Liam didn't last as long as their apparent technique promised. All fell to the bowling of Miss S Waters of Essex County (alternate byeline (again Jeremy's): “Essex girl rips out Mandarins' heart”.) who ended up with 3-18 after bowling a very tidy spell of off-spin first-change.
The middle order of Gus (20), Rob (19) and Charlie took us along at the required pace for a while, though a mini-collapse (were there run outs? Yes, of course there were) finally halted this charge too.
An important difference between the teams was ... about 20 years actually. This makes a huge difference to the fielding, worth maybe 30 runs. I have to hand it to Nazeing though, they work very hard at the game and everyone seems to have a great time.

In the end, Jeremy (8*) & I (16*), with a bit of late order support from Mark (5), were still scoring runs for the last standing wicket, finishing on 145-9 off 41. This was the first time I've seen a side bowl more than 20 overs in the last hour (as I say, keen), so although this was a draw, it was a very-losing-draw.

Our skipper, Rob, ran the team very well, giving everyone a game. David Lowen umpired the whole way through, for which many thanks, especially during the cold second innings. The rain kept off, just about, but pelted down as we left, which is always a delicious mini-triumph.

Worlingworth, 16th August 2008

There's no avoiding it, I have to confess it now.

I was present at the inaugural Mandarins versus Worlingworth fixture, on this pleasant Saturday afternoon; but the fact is, I don't remember much about it. That's no reflection on the merit of the fixture or the quality of the cricket, which was presumably as good as any.

Fact of the matter is, I had dropped myself from this team so that I could play cards until nearly 5am, and drink rather a lot of Tony's excellent wine. And so, when I turned up at the ground, as usual, and walked into the away-team's dressing-room, I realised that I was, in fact, merely a guest there. Being “twelfthy”, mascot, tour manager or whatever does not make you part of the side. After this small penny dropped, I never really got “into” the match, and went for a net.

Still, even a casual glance at the scorebook shows its dominant theme, which was the towering batting performances of Chris Healey, who made 104. He was ably supported by David Lowen (27) and Jamie Brockbank (11). The other batsmen had little time to make an impact; thus Gus was run out by Chris Baker (though I expect there'll be differing opinions on this) and Tony Hawkhead never got started. Anyway, with input from the ever-reliable E. Xtras, we reached a “respectable” 181 for 6.

Just as the game resumed after tea, the sun went in. So I went inside to get some more clothes. Unofrtunately a sleepy wasp had lodged itself in the left leg of my trousers, and was pretty cross at being disturbed. The resulting kerfuffle, search for soothing potions and such like is my second excuse for missing the action. But again, the scorebook tells a tale.

The bowling was opened by Olly (10.2–2–36–0) and Liam, whose 4-1-8-0 figures make me wonder why he didn't bowl more. The two Chris's put in another 20 overs between them, taking 2 wickets, but at the cost of 126 runs.

Our nemesis was the Southern hemisphere “pro”, who we'd met the previous day at Framlingham. Once he'd got set, the odds were always in their favour. Of course, we did drop him; at least once, which won't surprise you. And no doubt our general fielding was pretty ropey too, especially Olly's “short barrier” fielding technique (stopping the ball face-on, basically), which looks to me like a serious health-and-safety hazard on anything other than a billiard table outfield.

There were however, only about two overs to go when Worlingworth finished the job. Many thanks to them for hosting us on their new ground, and I'm hopeful that, despite league commitments, we can secure the fixture again next year.